She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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