You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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