I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
