It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
