im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
