Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Randomize
