Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
