those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Randomize
