Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
