A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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