his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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