My pussy is not your playground.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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