Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
