I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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