Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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