it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
