my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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