Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
