i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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