just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
