So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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