So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Randomize
