i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
