Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
