take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
