just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
