Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
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