the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
