you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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