I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
