this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
