ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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