What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Randomize
