His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
