He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
