yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
He had one of those small greek statue penises
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
a search helicopter?!
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
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