so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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