I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Randomize
