Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I deserve to be covered in dicks
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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