So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
