Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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