there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
my nose is crying tears of wow.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
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