fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
