You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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