I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
