you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
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