There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
