That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
