There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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