how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
There's a naked man in my car right now.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize