it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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