tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
