Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
