Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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