I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I AM VODKA MAN
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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