A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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