Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize