Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
