I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
