I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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