I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Pants 0. Shit 1.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
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