My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
The uberlube is also flammable
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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