He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
